#1 What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
#2 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
#3 My mom told me to follow my dreams, so
I went back to sleep.
#4 What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wasabi
#5 What did the vegetables say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
#6 What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?
I don't wanna be Obama self.
#7 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
#8 What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
#9 A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a drink?"
The bartender says, "for you? No charge.
#10 How would you split the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
#11 I tried to catch some Fog.
I mist.
#12 Message to the people who created the number zero:
Thanks for nothing!
#13 How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
#14 How did the flashlight feel when his batteries died?
He was delighted!
#15 How did the telephone maker propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
#16 What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you rise and shine.
#17 What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
#18 What do a base ball team and a pancake have in common?
They both need a good batter.
#19 Some people have difficulties sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.
#20 What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
#21 What did the hat say to the tie?
You hang here, I'll go on a head!
#22 What do you call a loud puppy?
A sub woofer.
#23 Do you know where Russian milk comes from?
Moscow!
#24 What do you call a person without a body and a nose?
Nobody knows!
#25 What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and would hurt you if it fell out of a tree.
A pool table!
#26 Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
#27 I used to think air was free.
Then I bought a bag of chips.
#28 I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
#29 I sent ten puns to my friend hoping that they would make him laugh.
But no pun in ten did.
#30 Whats the leading cause for dry skin?
Towels.
#31 Need an ark?
I Noah guy.
#32 I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.
#33 What do cows do when they are bored?
They go to watch mooo-vies.
#34 Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
#35 How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea saw.
#36 I cut my finger slicing cheese, but honestly I think I may have grater problems.
#37 Why was the ant so confused?
Because all of his uncles were ants.
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